72. Key to Reason
Violet knows two things about the end of his appetite for exclusivity.
One, of course, is the end of the culpability that I experienced myself. The other – the fruit of a foolish woman who loved and sought only one.
A woman who continued to seek a man until that moment when her life was exhausted could not hold his heart even with death. If you lay low on your illness, if your life is in danger, expect you to come back. People who don’t get paid for the thought of shards, just dead.
That’s the look of Violet’s knowing mother.
(… Sai Aku)
On the bed, he also held his forehead, forgetting to get up. I am not completely tired and my body is heavier than when I slept whether I had a bad dream or not. Fortunately…… I don’t know if I did, but I don’t remember what the dream was about, but I guess I had the corresponding nightmare.
I am too accustomed to headaches and stomach aches and feel dull, but instead, I am worried about which is better because I feel unobtrusive pressure and tiredness more often. If Marin asks, they’ll tell you both are only poisonous to your body.
I wake up a body that has gained weight other than my weight making it difficult to move, and head in front of the mirror bench with an unrestrained foothold. I guess fluttering isn’t just because you’re awake. He had the same symptoms as when he lacked sleep, and the restorative action of sleep was shattered by nightmares.
“I figured… a little bloody, I guess”
My face in the mirror is worse in color than usual. There was no blood for a living person, and the blue and white skin was even less bloody than we saw yesterday.
Only the eyes were painfully red, and I had some anticipation due to the weight felt in the back of my eyes, but I wanted it to come off if I could.
The complexion is somewhat misleading with makeup. I worry about Marin, but I know she’d be hurt to hide it poorly. And most importantly, because Marin would also be anticipating this result.
The problem is, the other one. In a way, there are those who know Violet better than he does.
(Yulan will find out too, this is)
There’s no way you won’t notice a change in Violet, even if it’s only a few. Even if there was no congestion, he would have found out with the intensity of his makeup.
Usually, I just feel sorry for you. Even if I had the guilt of worrying, I must have laughed and said thank you but I could. And Yulan was reluctantly convinced. I should have been saved my heart by such an exchange, usually.
…………
Ever since we met, it’s just an emotion I’ve never had. No matter who else you keep away from, only Yulan has always been special.
I’m afraid to see Yulan. Just imagine that smile and yesterday’s fears come back to life.
I’m afraid my greed could hurt him.
“What shall we do…”
I had my head on a problem I wouldn’t solve, and until Marin ended up calling me, I didn’t get anything.
× × × ×
Originally, Yulan didn’t visit Violet every day. Sure, it would be a lot of times, but he still has something called a crossover. Although I have never heard of it from Yulan himself, I could easily imagine it given his communication skills.
The test period was next door almost every day, but as before if it was over.
I didn’t mean to be so relieved and have such awkward feelings about it… I hadn’t imagined myself until yesterday.
“Ha…”
Although the overflowing sigh was unexpectedly loud, there is only one violet in this place right now.
This gazebo, which is a shadow of trees, is rarely used even if it is kept properly clean. Many people do not know it exists because it is constantly cold and hard to touch people because the sun does not shine. Above all, the gazebo itself is beautiful but leaves nature around. The landscape is beautiful from a distance because it is tidy, but not in an atmosphere that I want to get too close to.
I don’t want to avoid Yulan, but I can’t deny it when I choose a place that I don’t usually use because it’s unpopular.
At least, now I’m just alone, and I wanted to sort this emotion out.
Guilt and self-loathing. Two things I’ve felt many times, but it’s not my fault that I think it’s the biggest ever.
(… there’s no solution.)
In the first place, something didn’t happen. I’m just disappointed to notice the presence that was sprouting in me. With the previous problems to be solved, the measures just have to be taken by Violet to be careful.
If I’m wrong, I don’t just want to avoid Yulan…
“That was a little too sweet…”
An accidentally leaked laugh of self-derision drifts into a space where no one else is. He seemed to be more minded than aware, leaving his body behind on the back of the bench and looking to heaven. Though I could not see the sky, blocked by a bright white ceiling.
The wind that rocks the trees is a little cold after all, and the sun dims just a little to hide.
It’s like some kind of prison.
When I meditate on my eyes, I can still remember clearly. Though missing everywhere, the wishes and regrets I swore that day will not fade, all carved into my chest.
But not yet, not enough. Still, my resolve is weak. Greed cannot disappear with one gushing thing, one feeling. That’s why we need to be strong in our reason for disciplining it.
Breathe one, open your eyes, and there’s no illusion the world is changing. Because my heart shifts, because it flows easily. If you still want to take care of it, you just have to hang on desperately.
Don’t let this feeling hurt her.
(I’ll do my best…… absolutely)
Let it be disciplined. Let it go. One day, I’ll make sure I turn it off and see.
Swearing firmly in his clenched hands, he pretended not to notice the slightly budding cleavage.